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One of Sally's creations

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ASM Mid-Potomac logo

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Embrace vs. Excuse

In the movie Yes Man, Jim Carrey’s character Carl starts out as an extreme example of someone who has an Underlying Automatic Commitment (UAC) to “No”.  No matter what opportunities come his way, no matter what someone may offer him or ask of him, Carl is pre-programmed and ready with an excuse as to why he can’t do, have, or accept whatever is being asked or offered.  As the movie begins, this automatic behavior has become so extreme that most of his excuses are obvious and outright lies.  Often the “No” and the excuse are spoken before the question is even fully asked.  As a result, all of his personal and professional relationships are either dead or dying, and it is only a matter of time before he will be fired from his job.

The story line of the movie is about what happens when Carl trades in his UAC of “No” for an equally automatic commitment to “Yes” as he is compelled to say “yes” to every opportunity, just as indiscriminately as his original “no” answers had been.  The results in his life are dramatically different – some positive and some negative – as he begins to learn that he still has no ability to choose what he really wants.  In the end, Carl finally learns how to say “Yes” or “No” authentically and with equal conviction, based on what he truly wants rather than an indiscriminate UAC that renders him a prisoner of his own pre-programming. 

Similarly in our own lives, each of us is offered the constant opportunity to embrace or avoid the opportunity afforded by each present moment.  Sometimes these opportunities invite us into doing (action); always they invite us into being …

Evolving and growing through artistic expression

I imagine that there at least as many reasons for writing songs as there are songwriters.  For me, aside from being an enjoyable whole-brained puzzle that involves both intellectual and emotional challenge, it has usually been a way of working through existential challenges by boiling them down into a story – and then working and reworking them until I find what is for me the most empowering possible perspective.

As “autobiographical fiction”, most of my songs contain a fundamental kernel of “truth” – at least from one perspective - clothed in a lot of fabricated images and personality designed to create an artistic and hopefully provocative whole.  Growing a song is somewhat like raising a child – I have a vision of what I imagine it could become, and I can even have some input into that process, but ultimately it has a life of its own and I cannot always direct its course without endangering its very existence.

For the past 3 days, I have been in the process of “evolving” a song from what it was 6 years ago when its chorus just “popped out whole”, and what it became 6 months after that when some effort on my part gave it verses and a bit of context, into what it is now capable of becoming.

The first thing I noticed is that the song is capable of being so much more mature and insightful now, because I have now grown to be more mature and insightful about the existential “problem” or quest that first gave birth to that lonely chorus 6 years ago.

Listening: A coach’s most powerful tool

As I approach the completion of my 12 weeks of sessions with my peer coach, I’ve been reflecting back on some of the expectations I’ve had, and how things have actually occurred.  Specifically with regard to the form or appearance of the coaching process, I have noticed some recurring dynamics and wondered what is driving those.

My peer coach and I have observed several times that as a client, I tend to be someone who mostly needs to talk things out and be listened to, rather than needing a lot of “active” input from my coach in the way of powerful questions, goalsetting, new perspectives, etc.  This is not to imply that my coach has not been there with the occasional question that stops me in my tracks and makes me think, or has not challenged me to transcend my comfort zone by taking an action I’d been avoiding or trying on a perspective I hadn’t thought of before.  She has done all of those things, and quite appropriately to each situation along the way.

However, what she has also done very appropriately - and what seems to have naturally taken up the biggest share of her time with me – has been to listen very actively, openly, generously and acceptingly, and to reflect back to me what she hears in my sometimes long-winded ramblings about my life, my struggles, my challenges and accomplishments, and any indecisions I happen to be facing.  Sometimes, too, she never even gets a chance to reflect it back to me.  At those times, as I speak in a stream-of-consciousness way about whatever I am focusing on, I too am listening as I speak, and often I hear the answers in the sound of my own voice talking.  The gift my coach provides in this case is the listening that allows me to really talk the issue through, and the opportunity for me to hear my own answer spoken – by me!

Often when this happens, I will laugh, or she will laugh, or we will both laugh together, because the recognition of what just happened is clear to us both. 

She tells me that this is how her sessions with her own coach go most of the time, as well.  Even when I come with an issue that I think I really want to get some “active” coaching on, by the end of the session it is clear once again that this is obviously NOT what my internal process needed.  We have discussed several times how clients really differ in what works for them, and what they need. 

Especially as coaches ourselves, it seems like the knowledge of how to facilitate forward motion is already well developed and internalized in us.  We are also people who spend a lot of time listening to and supporting others in their growth.  The missing or balancing factor for each of us is most often someone to really listen to us, and so that - a truly listening ear and heart - is what our whole being is calling for.   A sensitive and intuitive coach is able to respond to that call, and so the needs of the client really drive the dynamic of this situation.

One of my ICA instructors spoke of a client she coached, who really just wanted someone to listen.   Similar to a professional coach, this client was also in a helping profession where he listened to other people all day long and just needed some time to be truly and intently listened to, where it could be all about him and his life in a setting where that is OK and completely appropriate.

As coaches, there are many techniques and tools we are trained in, and each of these tools and techniques has its purpose and its place.   Each is also dependent first and foremost upon deep and active listening, which along with intuition then guides the coach in knowing what additional tools to use and when.  As such, listening is really the foundational skill of all coaching.  And sometimes, it may be almost the ONLY tool that is required.

What’s Next?

There is a space left by the events of the past 48 hours.  A space for possibility.

I have often expressed a feeling of having lived many lifetimes in this one physical lifetime.  A sense of having reinvented myself numerous times, as one chapter of lessons in the Earth School comes to a close and a new one takes its place.  Often, I know only with hindsight that this has occurred.  Often, only with great struggle and a sense of floundering to find the sense of who I am NOW, do I finally manage to face that reinvention head-on, and look back in gratitude at the sense of emptiness and completion and directionlessness that prompted me to dig that deep.  Not to mention overwhelming gratitude for the new realm into which I have stepped.

Once again, I have that familiar sense that one lifetime has ended and another is about to begin.  Only this time, I am experiencing it in the moment rather than in retrospect.  And in this moment, there is a sense of wonder and awe about what might be possibille if I accepted this opportunity to engage in the process of reinvention more consciously and more proactively than ever before. 

Time to explore some of those deep questions again, about myself, my life, and Life itself.

Who am I now, and who could I be, without struggle in my life?  What has been the role of personal struggle – mine and others’ - in defining who I have known myself to be for the last 40 years? 

I sense that struggle has played a central role in forming my self-definition (and in this sense I am referring to an existential, intellectual, ontological, psychological, emotional or spiritual struggle, as opposed to physical efforts expended).  It appears from this vantage point that it is easier to define myself by what I am NOT, and by what I stand AGAINST, than to know for sure who I AM, and what I stand FOR.

This looks like a great opportunity to really make a difference with my 3 remaining sessions with my peer coach.  To really look at some of the Underlying Automatic Commitments I have allowed to define me thus far, including something about “I’ll never be like them.”  What has (thus far) been standing in the way of my BEING who and what I am committed to being, and of making the differences I have long felt called to make?

I will close with a quote from the Power Tools lecture I have just printed out for tonight’s teleclass on Responding vs. Reacting, which seems quite fitting at this moment: 

“‘The wounds of our childhood heal slowly. If they are allowed to lead us, we create new ones for ourselves and others.’ – Coachfucious”

Power Tool Development

I was working on the distinction between “Context vs. Content”, which I think is a very useful distinction to make.  It was not immediately apparent, however, how to develop this into a power tool, so I began asking myself how it is similar to or different from the 8 power tools offered by ICA.

Here is a list of the original 8:

• Commitment vs. Trying
• Responsibility vs. Blame
• Trust vs. Doubt
• Responding vs. Reacting
• Respect vs. Invalidation
• Truth vs. Fraud
• Game vs. Significance
• Action vs. Delay

What is clear about the focus of the 8 power tools included in ICA’s curriculum, is that they are “measures” if you will, or perspectives about the state of being, or quality and direction of thought and feeling, underlying a client’s action or inaction, movement or stagnation, satisfaction or frustration, at any given point in time.  Hence the notion of a ”continuum” between two opposing forces, energies, or tendencies – that continuum serving interchangeably as both a “measuring stick” to assess where the client “is” on that continuum at any given time, and secondly (having thought about and understood the natural and likely connections between this “being” continuum and the levels of effective action and satisfaction that the opposing energies of this continuum are capable of producing in a person’s life) the continuum can serve as an adjustment mechanism, sort of a “virtual slider bar” with which to assist the client in recognizing and moving his/her current position on the continuum toward the energy that will help them to get the desired results in their life.

When viewed in this way, it becomes apparent to me why “Context vs. Content” is NOT likely to be very useful as a “Power Tool”.  While “Context vs. Content” can be a useful concept for understanding, and especially for comprehending differences in outlook and opinion between oneself and others, and while it is at the root of the power of Reframing, it does not appear to have the same usefulness of application in the following areas, when compared to the existing “Power Tools”:

1. It really doesn’t describe a dynamic tension or continuum between 2 opposing ”energies” or “states of being”.  Instead, it simply describes 2 aspects or ingredients (that are always present in varying degrees) in any conflict, tension, comparison, growth, or movement between one position, perspective, or point of view and another.
2. Because it is not a continuum of energy states in the same sense as the original 8 power tools, it does not possess the same ability to serve as a simple and powerful ”measuring stick” and “slider control” for assessing and influencing effective action and life satisfaction.
3. This unsuitability as a “Power Tool” does not in any way diminish the usefulness or validity of “Context vs. Content” as a powerful distinction, and one that will serve many useful purposes in coaching as well as in areas like mediation and conflict resolution.  However, it is my assessment that this is not the kind of distinction that will serve as a useful “Power Tool” in the sense that ICA uses this term.

Trust vs. Doubt

Tonight near the end of the Power Tool discussion on “Trust vs. Doubt” I realized that I was having a difficult time feeling engaged in the conversation.  While we were definitely digging into what trust is for each of us and its role in coaching (and in life), somehow for me there seemed to be something missing.  Maybe it was nothing more than an expectation I brought to the class which remained unfulfilled, but I noticed that I was experiencing a “heaviness” – a lack of enthusiasm and flow and “aha”. 

I saw this too late in the hour to effectively bring it up and discover what was bothering me, so I’ll try to get to the heart of it here instead. 

I certainly don’t want to diminish any part of our conversation about trust.  There was much that was positive and useful about both of our conversations – last week and tonight – on this power tool.  The only thing I would like to do is to bring up two additional pieces that would complete this discussion for me:

1. In each of the previous power tools, I have appreciated Prabha’s perspective of examining the “continuum” from one extreme to the other, and the generally surprising (to me) perspective that contrary to immediate appearances, one end of the spectrum is not particularly “good” while the other is “bad”.  In each of the previous tools, we have examined the ways in which each of these opposite extremes not only defines a scale on which each of us is always continually “somewhere” between its two ends at any given time, but also how each of these extremes or directions actually has its rightful and useful and necessary place at any given point of our lives.  We didn’t do that with Trust vs. Doubt, and personally I missed that.  Now, as I write this, I believe I am starting to see how this theme was actually resonating between the lines of what was actually said.  I will try to point that out and would love to hear others’ input on this as well.
2. When reading the lecture materials before class, I was inspired by the particular view of trust vs. doubt that was presented, and I noticed that we didn’t really get into this view very much in our class sessions.  I will go into what I mean about that, too, and perhaps we can continue it here on the discussion board if anyone else shares this interest.

1: Trust vs. Doubt as a continuum:

In my memory of the 2 class sessions, we talked mostly about (1) what trust is, how it feels to us, and why it is important; (2) how to build trust and what can get in the way; and (3) the importance of trust in coaching and in life.  In passing, we also contrasted it with doubt or distrust as the opposite or the lack of trust.

I began to wonder, are there times and situations when Doubt actually serves a legitimate and useful purpose for us and for our clients?

Thinking back on tonight’s discussion, I wonder if Lydia’s example, and her insistence that her lack of trust (toward a specific person) didn’t need to be fixed or overcome or reframed with a new perspective, but that it was in fact more “basic” or “genuine” (and if I understood her correctly, more “deserved”) than that … I wonder if this is an example of how an “earned distrust” can actually serve to protect us from further hurt and injury and possibly from very real dangers in our lives.  This, to me, would be the other end of the continuum.

Two things come to mind that I heard at different times, many years ago, and that seem appropriate to this discussion:

1. Somewhere I read that one of the most important things we can do as parents to keep our children safe as they grow up, is to never invalidate their feelings or teach them to ignore their feelings/intuitions.  This is because the sense or intuition of safety vs. danger often comes in very subtle ways (just as we discussed tonight regarding the feeling or experience of whether or not we can trust someone) and if we have not learned to ignore those subtle and sometimes “illogical” signals from deep in our being, then they can serve to alert us and guide us in ways our thoughts alone never can.
2. Somewhere else I read or heard that if someone has let us down repeatedly by not keeping their word, and if we simply continue complaining that this person is not trustworthy, then OUR thoughts and behavior are actually not serving us very well.  At a certain point, we might be more empowered by realizing that (for whatever reason) this person does not appear to be capable of honoring their word with us right now.  We may even come to the point of understanding what is beneath that (we might call it a UAC) and realize that, at least for the time being, we actually CAN trust them to (for example) tell us what they think we want to hear, and then do exactly whatever pleases them at the time … or whatever it is that we observe is going on.  Certainly, if we can do this without judgment and with compassion for both the other person and ourself, this would probably serve us better than if we compound the issue by judging them.  But the point is, once again, by observing the interplay between trust and doubt, and possibly even some creative ways to turn those around, it may serve to create some positive forward movement for ourselves or our clients.

By writing this, I see now why I felt there was something missing by not discussing the continuum and the interplay of these two opposite pulls.  It is in the “play” between them that movement and lightness are possible, and in this way it really BECOMES a “Power TOOL” that we can pull out of the toolbox in the appropriate moment as it is needed.

2: Trust vs. Doubt as a “way of being”:

I think the best way to describe what inspired me about the reading for this power tool would be as an “outlook” or a “way of being”.  This is what I meant by the “colored glasses” example I gave in class regarding how trust in the Universe (for example), or in humanity, or in ourselves, or in the ultimate goodness of life, can become a place to come from that will ultimately make a big difference when compared to coming from a place of doubt, suspicion, or mistrust as the place we start in all of our interactions.

Again, we certainly touched on this, and we also discussed how past experiences, history and culture may influence our tendency to take on one end of the continuum or the other as our “natural” or “habitual” or “preferred” place to start.  However, what resonated with me about the reading material was that it pointed toward our ability as human beings to consciously cultivate a different way of being, over time and perhaps by significant and sustained effort, and how this kind of a shift can in fact have the power to profoundly alter the way we experience the events and circumstances of our lives.

I believe this is a gift we can offer to our clients, and a behavior we can model for them if we choose to take it on for ourselves in our own lives.  Although this is a perspective, as Lydia correctly pointed out, it can also become a very deep and more or less permanent perspective, which doesn’t necessarily need to be bound to the way we grew up or the way our history, culture or experiences have taught us to view our world.  It CAN  be proactive and a matter of personal choice, and it CAN make a world of difference, as I for one have certainly experienced in my own life.

Any thoughts on any of this?

Starting a new habit (the power of little things)…..

“The power of little things” … a recurring theme in my life!  Today I reached a new understanding about how to fulfill my blogging/journaling requirements for ICA graduation in a way that will be “small” enough to make a difference.  “Small enough?” you may ask…..

Yes, I do mean small enough.  I have been treating this as such a “big” chore – such a significant thing, what with my considering myself to be a “writer” and all. 

It seemed like such a small thing, volunteering today to be the client on the Spiritual Community of Practice call … and a part of me was even attempting to belittle myself for still needing to deal with this issue.  After all, wasn’t this about the 3rd or 4th time I was returning to the same issue that I had “seemingly” made progress on at various times before?

However, I immediately got the feedback that this was an issue that resonated with others on the call, and so the willingness to put myself out there, far from just “beating a dead horse”, was in some way a service to everyone on the call.

And then, the insights that came out of it … the feeling unsafe and exposed, the commitment to really fulfill the requirements, and at the same time to be true to myself, and most of all the “writer/significance” piece.  And the part about a “small enough” solution …..

If I need to blog or journal “regularly”, and if my regularity is once a week, and if that feels like such a big, significant thing, I never find the time to do it.  On the other hand, if I commit to sit down for 10 to 15 minutes every day, and just use it as a “scratch pad” for whatever is brewing at the time, and if I mark my posts as private unless and until I feel comfortable to mark them otherwise, then I have a commitment that feels “small” enough that I will actually keep it, and real enough that it will actually serve me … because it is patterned after what has worked for me before in all the other writing I have done that has organically flowed.

In short, the power of little things is about the drop of water that carves out a hole in the rock.  It is the routine that I have always professed to hate (really because it was outer-imposed and counter to my nature), turned around into the small-enough-to-stick commitments that I make to myself, for myself.  Over the past year or two, more and more I have discovered that these are the commitments that become my sacred spaces, my self-honoring and self-respect made manifest in the world, the things I most love and look forward to, the activities that ground me and steady me amidst the world’s demands and changes.

It is my hope and my intention that I have finally identified the magic to transform yet another “have-to” into a “want-to” through honoring myself and the power of little things.

Commitment vs. Trying, and the power of “failing forward”

It’s been a long time since I blogged, and it’s been a very fruitful time for learning and growing.  Especially in the past week or two, as 3 different ICA lessons/activities have converged on an area where I’ve been ripe for some learning.

In the latest Power Tools classes, the subject was “Commitment vs. Trying”.  As in each of the previous Power Tools, I found it fascinating that we are once again talking about a continuum – from one end of a spectrum to another.  Not a good-bad or right-wrong judgment, as I may have first heard it, but a range of human activity or states of being that all have their purpose and their place in the big picture of any human effort or endeavor.

In the case of Commitment vs. Trying, there certainly is a real difference of energy and connotation between using the word “try” and using the word “commit”.  Commitment definitely carries more decisive weight, and yet there may actually be times when a certain kind of trying may be the perfectly appropriate response.  For instance, to cite a very mundane example, it really isn’t necessary or appropriate to “commit” to buying a bunch of (non-returnable) clothes at the thrift store without first “trying” them on to see if they fit, and if I even like them. 

Similarly, when am feeling the need to move in a new direction in my life, perhaps into something that is completely unfamiliar to me, I may find myself willing to “try on” a new idea, a new self-image, a new idea, routine, or action, long before I am actually ready to commit to making it a part of who I am and what I do.  In fact, without being willing to “try on” some new things, I may never find a direction that I really want to commit my time and energy to.

In this case, whether I am self-coaching or being coached by someone else, it can be helpful to move ever-so-subtly along that continuum, from a willingness to entertain the thought of putting a toe in the water, so to speak, with a question such as, “So, would you be willing to commit to sticking your toe in the water 3 times over the next week, just to see how you like it?  And will you share with me next week how that went for you?” 

The teleclass ended with a challenge to bring back some examples or case studies, from our own lives or from our clients, that we could use for some coaching during Commitment vs. Trying, Part 2. 

In particular, I was challenged by the question, “Are there things you have been trying to do for some time and have not succeeded?” and by the fascinating possibility that this may actually provide a wonderful learning experience.  It was suggested that, from observing this “failure” without judgment, I can deduce that there must obviously be something else that I am MORE committed to than I am to what I SAY I am committed to (or am ”trying” to do).  And then I can inquire deeply into what that underlying commitment might be, and choose what I want to do about CONSCIOUSLY keeping or discarding THAT commitment.

I took this challenge on, and in a future post I will share how that converged with a second challenge received later the same week in my first Advanced Coach class, as well as with opportunities to be coached first by my peer coach and again by another student in part 2 of Commitment vs. Trying, and what I have learned from all of this.

Empowering Questions

I am in the process of finding my peer coach – a fellow student at ICA to act as my coach for the next 12 weeks.  Last week, I recognized this as the next step on my journey.

Today I had a wonderful experience filling out a great questionnaire presented by a prospective peer coach, Gabriella, on her website.  It is part of her process as a coach to get acquainted with a prospective client, and vice versa, to mutually determine whether they are a good match or not.  This is something I definitely want to incorporate into my coaching practice as well, since it was such a positive and productive experience for me. 

Interestingly, filling out Gabriella’s questionnaire felt like a coaching session in and of itself, just to have someone asking such important questions about me and my life, taking the time to answer them authentically, and knowing that the person asking them really wants to know the answers!